Satire 3 - Arp Comics

Woman dislikes Indian food because it has ‘too many flavors’

BURLINGTON, VT – Peggy Atwood, 29, has an intense dislike for Indian food due to the excessive amount of flavors. She has never liked too many flavors and believes that Indian food takes the concept of flavors “too goddamn far.” Ms. Atwood, a collector of Grolier’s Encyclopedias, started disliking too many flavors as a child. “The earliest memory I have is being angry because my parents used the same spoon to feed me carrots and peas. When I got older, I liked eating hot dogs all by themselves – no ketchup, no mustard, no bun, nothing. One time I noticed that the skin … Continue reading

Amitabh Bachchan developing new game show aimed at ABCDs

MUMBAI, India – Bollywood legend Amitabh Bachchan is developing a new game show aimed at young people of Indian origin. Tentatively titled How Indian Are You?, the format will be a general knowledge quiz show to determine which contestant is the Most Indian of Them All. Mr. Bachchan will produce the gameshow with BIG Synergy, the company behind the super hit, Kaun Banega Crorepati. “The Indian Diaspora is incredibly diverse,” said Mr. Bachchan. “Indian people are found all over the world, on every continent except Antarctica, which is just too damn cold and has terrible cellular service. But the struggles of being Indian are the … Continue reading

New immigrant most comforted by smell of cab driver body odor

NEW YORK, NY – Parul Shah, who recently emigrated to America from Mumbai, has discovered that she feels most relaxed and comfortable when riding in certain taxi cabs. Ms. Shah, an ethnobotanist, has found the move to be exhilarating and challenging, much more than she though it would be. But riding in a taxi cab with an Indian driver with a strong body odor takes her right back to Mumbai. “You can’t have everything be unknown and exciting all the time,” said Ms. Shah. “You really need time to relax without thinking too much. Everything here is just go go … Continue reading

Local man finally snaps after being asked if he 'speaks Indian' for the zillionth time

Indian man believes parents only had sex one time

TRUMBULL, CT – Vijay Verma, 34, believes that his parents had sex only to conceive him. He has come to this conclusion after noticing that their relationship lacks physical affection, and that their bedroom door is never closed. “I first started getting suspicious when I was 10. I had started to go on playdates with non-Indian friends,” said Mr. Verma, an art teacher at Trumbull High School. “In their family pictures, there was always one or two where their parents had their arms around each other or were holding hands. When my parents take a picture together, they make sure … Continue reading

Neighbors Dixit, Lipschitz & Badcock argue over who has the worst last name

GAITHERSBURG, MD – Three men have embroiled their neighborhood in a dispute over who has the worst last name. Neelkanth Dixit, Bernard Lipschitz and Richard Badcock are neighbors in Orchard Hills. They have been arguing for over 3 years and recently asked all their neighbors to settle the matter. The dispute began shortly after Mr. Dixit, an electrical engineer working in the aerospace industry, moved to Gaithersburg. “Back in India, Dixit is literally a high class name, reserved for the Brahmin caste. It means Provider of Knowledge in Sanskrit. But then I emigrated to America. I thought it was odd that … Continue reading

Teen believes her house does not smell like Indian food; friends disagree

SAN DIEGO, CA – Anjali Patel, a freshman at San Diego High School, refuses to believe that her house smells like Indian food. Her friends have noted upon entering her house that it always smells like Indian food. Ms. Patel insists that is only the case when they are cooking. Julie Wong is a classmate with whom Ms. Patel has been friends since 3rd grade. “Anjali and I have been friends forever so I’m used the smell now. I love her mom’s cooking so it’s become a comforting aroma for me. But it’s definitely there, there’s a big difference between … Continue reading

Uncle keeps insisting paneer is ‘vegetarians’ meat’

QUEENS, NY – Neil Kumar’s uncle, Hariprasad Goenka, keeps insisting that paneer is ‘vegetarian’s meat’ whenever they eat paneer. Paneer is a fresh farmer cheese common in Southeast Asian vegetarian cuisine. Said Mr. Kumar, “I get it – it’s a primary source of vegetarian protein. But does he have to say that ‘it’s the vegetarian’s meat’ every damn time? Everytime we have mattar or saag paneer, he says it.Mr. Kumar, 36, noted that the first time he recalls hearing the statement was when he was 12. They were eating a family dinner at a Bonanza Steakhouse. Mr. Goenka, now 67, … Continue reading

Gora still can’t pronounce Indian neighbor’s name right after 11 years

DETROIT, MA – A Caucasian man, next-door neighbors with an Indian family for 11 years, still cannot pronounce his neighbor’s name right. Rocco Sullivan, 45, first met Abhishek Bhattacharjee and his family when they moved in next door. Mr. Bhattacharjee’s first name is pronounced ‘Ub-he-shek’; Mr. Sullivan has always pronounced it ‘Ab-uh-shake’. Said Mr. Bhattacharjee, “Rocco kindly introduced himself while we were moving in. I introduced myself, lingering over each syllable to make it easy for him. I even pronounced it slowly and phonetically a second time. But when he asked me how I spelled my name, I knew it … Continue reading

Comedian Russell Peters denied entrance to India for not being Indian enough

NEW DELHI, INDIA – Successful stand-up comedian Russell Peters was denied entrance to India for not being Indian enough. This was in strict pursuance of the Bureau of Immigration’s new policy on what makes someone Indian enough. Said the sponsor of the legislation, Vikram Lollipopwala (BJP), “We have had our eye on Mr. Peters for many years. Many people learn what it is to be Indian from him – but he has been spreading false truths. We decided that there should be strict standards on what makes someone Indian enough. And these standards will apply to anyone trying to enter … Continue reading