Study confirms: Desis abroad with Western names have it much easier

Study confirms: Desis abroad with Western names have it much easier

NEW DELHI, India – New research has revealed that desis abroad with Western names have it much, much easier. The joint research project was performed globally by the Institute of Social Sciences (India), the Economic and Social Research Council (UK) and the Social Science Research Council (USA). The study is titled Do Desis with Western Names Have It Easier Or What?

“This research was deep and thorough,” said lead researcher Sankar Sen. “It confirmed what many of us had suspected: desis living abroad with Western names have it much, much easier than those with more traditional names. There was also a correlation that the longer the traditional name was, the harder those people had it.”

“We quantified the advantages in 3 ways,” continued Mr. Sen. “The first advantage is time. Those moments when firangs don’t have to pause and fumble over your name add up. These instances happen everywhere – a doctor’s office, at Starbucks, at job interviews or waiting for tables at restaurants. For the average person of Indian origin, this totals at least 1 hour per year – and in some extreme cases dozens of hours. Thus desis with Western names have more time to pursue their careers or avocations. This is a tremendous advantage over a lifetime, helping them land better jobs and get promoted at faster rates.”

“The second advantage is social: people remember Western names 342% more easily. While this aids in hiring and promotion as well, the primary return is intersocial. Those with Western names integrated into social groups 183% more smoothly. This includes but is not limited to office teams, classrooms, intramural sports squads, parent-teacher associations, neighborhood watch groups and playground cliques.”

“But the greatest advantage is in getting laid. The study showed that Western names had a considerable edge, particularly for mating rituals and booty calls. In our control group, Piyush and Agamjot had an 8% percent success rate in these instances while Nick and Nikki performed 2304% better. The outlier was Hardik, who did pretty damn well for himself with a 77% success rate.”

“We also discovered that Westernized nicknames in India, like Bobby and Lily, received similar advantages but to a much lesser extent than their foreign counterparts.”

“However, our research showed that there was one distinct disadvantage,” concluded Mr. Sen. “On matrimonial websites, the Western names had 22% more views but 67% fewer inquiries. This is because the inquiring parents believed that the Western names were just nicknames and wondered why the potential mates were hiding their heritage.”

The research was funded by a generous grant from the Barista Association of America.

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Arp Laszlo

Hi, I’m Arp! I make comics and write about life as an Indian-American with late-diagnosis ADHD. I’m a self-taught and self-employed creator so I write a lot about art, learning, and entrepreneurial stuff that I’ve picked up along the way.

My stories are kinda weird, because that’s just how I am. My formative influences are Indian mythology, Batman, Tintin, 70s Bollywood, Ray Harryhausen, and Monty Python. There’s no way anything normal could come out of that, right?

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